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Hot, Hot, Hot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Devil Burst

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hot, Hot, Hot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hot, Hot, Hot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hot, Hot, Hot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hot, Hot, Hot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Devil Burst

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hot, Hot, Hot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Devil Burst

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Devil Burst

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Acrobat...

And I Must Be An Acrobat

To Talk Like This,And Act Like That

But I Can Dream, I Dream Out Loud

And I Can Find My Own Way Out

I Hope The Tide Is Turning 'Round

And I Don't Let The

 B*!*!*!'s Grind Me Down.

Copyright U2.

 

Coming Soon to a website near to you, this one in fact - A little bit of this and a little bit of that and a little bit of the other!!

Updated........18th August 2014

The Jester

 

Laughter, The Best Medicine Of All!!

 These jokes are not meant to offend anyone, most of them include strong language or adult material, if easily offended then DO NOT read them, they are meant to cheer people up, bring a smile to faces, after all there is not a lot to smile about in this crazy world.

   *******************

Just Checking Your Sense Of Humour First!!

Sense Of Humour Inastallation!!

 

*******************

A Stiff One !!  (My Favourite Joke Because It Was Me At McDonalds!!)

A little oldish man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Rheumatoid Arthritis."

*******************

Memories Are Of ????

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

*******************

Size Counts !!

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

*******************

Mam Knows Best !!

Little Jimmy turns to his pal and utters, "I don't think my mam knows much about children."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because she always puts me to bed when I am wide awake and gets me up when I am sleepy."

*******************

Bed & ????

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while, a tramp came up to her and said, "Hello, luv, how's about us going for a walk together?"
"How dare you," retorted the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
Well then," said the tramp, "what are you doing in my bed?"

*******************

Male or Female?


Is it Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples...

FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying...

*******************

No Entry !!

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.  L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honoured," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

*******************

Flying High !!

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink? “Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.

*******************

Taking The Mickey !!

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. In court Mickey's attorney says "Your honour, my client is seeking a divorce on the grounds of insanity - Mickey jumps out of his chair and says "I never said she was crazy - I said she was f*****g GOOFY".

*******************

Grounded !!

A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own colour TV, DvD player, computer, games console, mobile phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”

*******************

Miss Taken Identity !!

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too."

*******************

Whoah !!

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is struck against the ground over and over, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Anne, the ASDA greeter & assistant, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

*******************

Where's Da Money !!

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job ; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf replies, "O/k, O/k, the $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

*******************

No Entry !!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans try to enter a posh London bar.

"I'm sorry," says the Bouncer', after scrutinising the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai. "

*******************

Big Shot !!

A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"
The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

*******************

Woof Joke !!

What dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can't jump!

*******************

Mr. Fix It !!

A woman calls in a plumber when her washing machine breaks down. The plumber arrives, studies the machine, then produces a hammer and gives it a hefty whack.
The washing machine starts working again and the plumber presents a bill for £200.
'Two hundred pounds?' says the woman. 'All you did was hit it with the hammer.'
So the plumber gives her an itemised bill: 'Hitting washing machine with a hammer - £5. Knowing where to hit it - £195.'

*******************

DIY Motor Repairs Using Haynes Manuals - The Translations……

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my f*****g eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, little number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b*****d" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

*******************

Genuine Complaints Received By The Local Council Complaints Department…

o I want some repairs done to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.

o I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

o ...and their 18 year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

o I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

o My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

o I am writing on behalf of my sink that is coming away from the wall.

o Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

o We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

o I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

o Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

o ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

o I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

o The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

o Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

o Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

o Would you please send a man to mend my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

o I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 4am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

o The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

o Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

o I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

o Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

o I have had a clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

o This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

o My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

o ...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I can't take it any more.

o That is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.


*******************

Actual Exchange Between Control Tower And Airplane....

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot.
They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

*******************

Smile Please !!

Three bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. ‘First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while drinking vintage champagne and eating foie gras. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,’ says the coroner. ‘Second body: Scotsman, 25, won £1,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’ The inspector asks, ‘What of the third body?’ ‘Ah,’ says the coroner. ‘This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning.’ ‘Why is he smiling then?’ enquires the inspector. ‘He thought he was having his photo taken.’

*******************

A Few Shorts !!

A man goes into a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance, so the cashier pushes him over.

 

I went to Butlins and stayed in one of their 5 star caravans.. That’s how many I could see through the hole in the roof.

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

 

A man hires a taxi to take him to court for his bankruptcy trial. When they arrive he says to the
driver, ‘Well, I suppose you might as well come in too.’

*******************

This Is Your Captain Soaking !!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax and.... OH, MY GOD!" . Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger turned to another said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

*******************

Room Service !!

I called hotel management from the hotel room and said,, “Please, come quick. I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’ll jump out the window of your hotel”.
“That is a personal matter”. answered the hotel manager.
“Sod you!” I screamed. “The window won’t open so that’s a maintenance matter.”

*******************

Where In The World !!

Man to Ticket Agent: “I want to buy a plane ticket for Norwald... for a vacation, you know...!”
Ticket Agent, searching book: "Norwald? Let me find that. Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see...
Norwald. I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on the map. Just where is Norwald anyway?"
Man: “Over there. He's my brother!”

*******************

Fly Guy !!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

*******************

Hay, Wot's Up !!

A farm boy accidentally overturned his tractor & trailer load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey, Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the trailer up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on, boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be
real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the trailer."

*******************

Wife Swapping !!

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've
lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

*******************

Duck Off !!

Duck walks into a bar. Says to the bar tender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." Bar tender says,
"Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
Next day, duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts." Bar tender replies, "I already told
you I don't sell peanuts!" The duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts!" Bar tender yells back, "I told
you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" So the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "Do you have any nails?" Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't have
nails." Duck asks, "Do you have any peanuts?"

*******************

A Leg Pull !!

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman bumps into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your feckin legs."

*******************

Dear Santa !!

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

*******************

Abracadabra !!

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.
The first man went down yelling, "Beeerrr!!!" Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.
The second guy went down the slide yelling, "lemonadeeee!!!" Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.
The third guy went down the slide yelling "wheeeeeeeee!!!'"
 

*******************

You're Nuts !!

A squirrel is chillin' in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.
"Whatcha doin' here?" asks the squirrel.
"I'm here to eat some apples."
"But this is a pine tree!"
"I know. I brought my own apples."
 

*******************

Doh !!

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heating off.''

*******************

Ping !!

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognised me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

*******************

Pretty Polly !!

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.
He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''
''That's alright,'' the man replied.
So the man bought the parrot and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.
The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.
The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a game stand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
Then they walked into a church and sat down.
The minister was in the middle of the sermon.
He said, ''The Lord is above us.''
The parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''
Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.
The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''

*******************

See The Light !!

Bertha was worried about her husband George, so one day she took him to the doctor's. As the doctor called George in and looked him over,
George began insisting, "There's nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me." What do you mean?" asked the doctor.
"Well," George responded, "when I go to the bathroom he turns the light on and off."
The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls Bertha into the room and begins to explain, "George says God
turns the light on and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that --" "DAMMIT, George!" Bertha bursts out, "How many times do I have to tell you not to piss in the fridge?"
 

*******************

Cool Bird !!

A quiet, polite man owns a disgusting, foul mouthed parrot.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the man locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. When the man finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities, so the man puts the bird into the freezer.
After a few seconds of clawing and thrashing, it suddenly gets VERY quiet.
The man opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "I'm very sorry. I promise I'll never curse again."
The man is astonished. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

*******************

Weight A Minute !!

A blonde calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first.

"Oh, that won't work," replies the blonde. "I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."

*******************

Great Escape !!

A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.
At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbour, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"

*******************

Staff Vacancy !!

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because your feet isn't empty."

*******************

A Part In The Talkies !!

A young kid goes home from school and excitedly tells his father that he has got a place in the school play. The father asks the lad what part he is playing. The son explains that he is playing the part of a husband who has been married to the same woman for twenty five years. The father replies "never mind son, you may get a speaking part next year" !!

*******************

On Your Bikes !!

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is flipping through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow
"You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you're in." The guy thinks for a moment.
"Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tyre iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tyre iron, laid him out cold. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deOranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."

*******************

Batty Bats !!

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."

*******************

Waiting For Patents !!

1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.

*******************

And The Next Contestant Is.. !!

On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants...

1) Something a blind man might use?
A sword

2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the Capital of France?
"F"

4) Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
It's the take-away opposite the dental hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name
Heil

8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
A pig in sh*t

9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race
The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath
Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach
A deck-chair

14) A famous Royal
Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does
Goes to the toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom
Decorate

19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs
The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac
April

22) Something people might be allergic to
Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed
Sleep

24) Something you put on walls
A roof

25) Something slippery
A con-man

26) A kind of ache
A fillet of fish

27) A Jacket Potato topping
Jam

28) A food that can be brown or white
A potato

29) A famous Scotsman
Jock

30) A famous Welshman
Vinnie Jones

31) Something you open other than a door
Your bowels
 

*******************

Hand Of God !!

An Irish man with a crooked back walks into a coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner reading the paper. He tells the waitress, "Please send Jesus a cup of coffee, on me." So the waitress takes Jesus a cup of coffee.
Then a Scottish man with arthritis hobbles into the coffee shop and sees Jesus sitting in the corner. He says to the waitress "Send Jesus a muffin, on me." So the waitress sends Jesus a muffin.
Finally a English man in a wheelchair rolls into the coffee shop and sees Jesus in the corner. He says to the waitress, "Tell Jesus I'll cover his bill." So the waitress tells Jesus.
As Jesus was leaving the coffee house he says to the Irish man, "Thank you for the free coffee. Be healed!" Jesus touches the man's shoulder, and he was miraculously healed.
Then Jesus went over to the Scottish man and said, "Thank you for the free muffin. Be healed!" Jesus lightly tapped the man's shoulder, and he was healed.
Then Jesus went over to the English man and said, "Thank you for covering my bill. Be healed!"
As Jesus leaned over to touch him, the man yelled, "Don't freaking touch me man! I'm on benefits!!"

*******************

Woof, Woof !!

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''
So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''
The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''
The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''
She says, ''That's not creative.''

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone......cheese mine.''
 

*******************

Taxi !!

After a night on the town a drunk gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a Pizza and a six pack of Beer?"

The cabbie says, "Sure." So the drunk leans forward and throws-up.

*******************

Driving Me Bad !!

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. The way the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

*******************


Waiting For Patents!!

1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.

*******************

Confucius Say

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*******************

Begorrah !!

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

 *******************

Meal Service !!

A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. "A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich," he says to the barman.
"I'm sorry, sir," replies the barman, "we don't serve food in here."

 *******************

Long John Red !!

The first mate asks the ship captain why he always wears a red shirt to fight off pirates.
The captain replies, "It keeps the men brave. If I get wounded, you won't see the blood, and you'll keep on fighting."
The next day, a fleet of pirate ships appear on the horizon. The first mate says, "Get me my brown pants!"

 *******************

 Stand To Attention !!

A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

 *******************

Sign From Above !!

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you freaking religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

 *******************

Eggsample!!

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

I'm sure you're going back to read this again.

 *******************

Fly High Club !!

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is ATC. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "OK," says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . ..."

*******************

On The Tiles !!

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night, my next visit to the toilet could spell disaster!! Even worse I could end up with a vowel infection!!

 *******************

Doh !!

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.
"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.
"No, but it's okay -- I got the license plate number!"

*******************

What Happens In School... !!

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

*******************

eBayed !!

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

*******************

Hear Rear !!

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mable's ear and said,
"Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

*******************

Lunch For One !!

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"I Opened a can of peas instead."

*******************

Don't Take It To Fart !!

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

*******************

Lott-Doh !!

John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray. ''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside.
The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, "John, for f**k's sake buy a lottery ticket."

*******************

Sing Song Merrily On High !!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

*******************

Doh !!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
 

*******************

Ladies !!

Two wives go out for girls night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.
One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties."
The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card stuck to her panties that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!

*******************

Sea Food !!


One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed upon prawn.
"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark."
Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says.
Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian.
As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed & I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."
 

*******************

Tea's Up !!


Mother In Law - "£2 for a cup of tea, the price is going through the roof".
Son In Law - "Hey, you came round, I did not invite you".
 

*******************

Crazy Cow !!

Two cows were talking in the field.
One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

*******************

Pretty Polly !!

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith "

*******************

Downs & Up's !!

A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.
Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about f****** gas stoves?

*******************

Howdy Pardner !!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And believe me I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... just what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had f****** to walk home."

*******************

Wot's Up Doc !!

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

*******************

A Jump In Time !!

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''
The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

*******************

Doh !!

Two Irishmen are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Mick, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens." replies Paddy
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"If you can guess right, I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"

*******************

Great, Grandma !!

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma, now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious.
"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

*******************

Ooh Saucy !!

A woman was trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the vicar, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

*******************

Byte Me !!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Mack says to Mike behind him, my elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Mack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Mack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Mack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Your Volvo needs repair.
6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

*******************

Doh, Doh !!

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

*******************

Boo !!

I was travelling to the train station the other day by taxi and as we approached the station I tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to tell him where to drop me out. He screamed loudly, lost complete control of the car, almost ran over an old lady as the cab mounted the footpath, stopping inches away from a lamp post. "Don't ever do that again" said the driver. I apologised saying that I didn't realise that a tiny tap on the shoulder would frighten him to the extent it had. "It's not really your fault I suppose" the taxi driver lamented "it's my first day as a taxi driver , I've spent the last fifteen years driving a hearse."

*******************

Extreme Sports Irish Style !!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat''s Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag"
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud "Splat!"
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
"Focket Dat," Paddy says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me..."
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag.'
Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean''s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider..."
After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.'
Danny pulls a chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding..."

*******************

Mam's & Dad's !!....

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

*******************

A is For....

Little Johnny had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Johnny. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg, sir."

*******************

Jesus Christ !!

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says, "You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
"Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.

"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"

*******************

I Believe !!

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

*******************

Old Ladies !!

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.
 

*******************

Old Ladies 2 !!

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

*******************

Dog Day Afternoon !!

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

*******************

Ouch !!

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking by, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the f*****g wall!"

*******************

Doh !!

*******************

Hot Blonde !!

A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.
"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."
"'What about the other ear and your hand?"
"I tried to call for an ambulance."

*******************

Devilment !!

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil!" she responded. "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

*******************

Fed Up !!

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril. He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well." The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."
 

*******************

Words Of Wisdom....

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I am neither for nor against apathy.

25. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

26. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

27. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

28. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

29. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

30. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

31. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

32. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

33. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

34. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

*******************

Pooh That Stinks !!

It was the first day after the Christmas holidays in a junior classroom. The teacher told the class that each pupil could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got. "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........ "My dad got me a dog," she said. She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!" The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!!" That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, "I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, "What was the title of the book??" The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, "Winnie The Shit!!

*******************

Phone A Friend !!

A Maid answers the phone. The caller says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."  The caller then says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 01654 -1234?"

*******************

It's A Kind Of Magic !!

An 18-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mother said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!

*******************

Last Words !!

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an welcoming meeting in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your coffin and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

*******************

Soldier Soldier !!

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First Soldier: Why did you join the army? Second Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army? First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.
 

*******************

Relatively Speaking !!

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

*******************

Say Aaah !!

This woman goes into a dentist's office. After he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I'll have to adjust the chair."

*******************

Puzzled !!

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The girls lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

*******************

I Spy !!

A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."

*******************

Doctor Doctor !!

Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you friggin asshole!"

Or

A guy calls the hospital. He says, "Hurry, You got to send help! My wife's going into labour!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her friggin husband!"
 

*******************

It's Life Jim But Not As You Want It !!

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

*******************

Cheers !!

A guy was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the guy burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," the man says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the taxi I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a arsenic capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, then you show up and drink the whole thing! ......... But enough about me, how's your day going?"


*******************

Roll Up Roll Up !!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down
pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some
wheeling and dealing, they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole
audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

*******************
 

Last Supper !!

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of his favourite chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, in the kitchen the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
 

*******************

Bloody Hell !!

Jack: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Jack: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell...'

*******************

 

Sweet Talking Guy !!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick -

"Honey, breakfast is on the oven, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Gillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: £139.99.  Hot Breakfast: £3.20. Two Aspirins: 50p. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

*******************

Sick Note !!

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up the groceries. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this." The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a £5 Note and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the £5 was given to you to pay for the shirt." The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you." The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out." The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk." She says " Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt." He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a £5 Note in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself" She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a £10 Note" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".

*******************

Sex Talk !!

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

*******************

Life Sucks !!

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our arses just for sucking our thumbs."

*******************

Lost In Translation !!

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

*******************

Fare's Fair !!

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25..."

*******************

Monkey Business  !!

I hate all these anti-cancer tests that are done on chimpanzees, there is only one way to stop this, as an old mate of mine Chubby once said find out which shopkeepers are selling them the f*****g cigarettes in the first place !!

*******************

Top Of The Flops !!

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company so she could buy the record. In dialling, she erroneously called up a petrol station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"
A mechanic at the petrol station who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"
To which the man replied, "No, but its average!"

*******************

Jo-King !!

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, Smo-king, and F** king.

*******************

Smelling Sweet !!


A farmer was driving along the road with a load of horse-shit. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Horse-Shit," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on my strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

*******************

Load Of Bull !!

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbour's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

*******************

Pasta Joke !!

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have f*****g stayed around if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

*******************

Doh !!

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger doing his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

*******************

A Head Start !!

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my frigging ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some b*****d puts a swimming cap on me!"

*******************

What's Up Doc !!

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're frigging ugly as well!"

*******************

Smashed !!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

*******************

Stessed Out !!

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I too was as stressed as you so I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

*******************

Definitely !!

A junior school teacher one day is trying to explain to her class of kids the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the kids have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first kid raised her hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy".
Another kid says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in a class discussion." Little Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants."

*******************

I'll Be Blowed !!

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"Take your f*****g thumb off the end!!"

*******************

Board Stiff !!

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

*******************

Light Sleeper !!

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."
But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

*******************

Fly Guy !!

Charlie was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Charlie replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Charlie replied, 'The same place you got that f*****g train!'

*******************

Doh !!

Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*****g boat stupid!"
 

*******************

Plane Simple !!

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
'Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to Shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb!'


*******************

Going Out With A Bang !!

A tough old man once counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cereal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the
wall of the crematorium.

*******************

Scotch Miss t !!

I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so
I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?" One of them chirped, "It's WALES you freaking idiot !!!"
So I immediately apologised and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

*******************

Animal Magic !!

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots
the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter
and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda......

"A tree dwelling
marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."

*******************

Animal Magic 2 !!

A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
Do you have any bananas?
No, I don't. ( says the barman)
Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
No, I have not got any bananas!!!
Do you have any bananas?
If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!!
Do you have any nails?
No, I don't.
Do you have any bananas?

*******************

Big Boss !!

This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the
laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed." One of the guys at the table
said, "How long have you been married?"
The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"

*******************

Lick This !!

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to
hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he
received a parcel with the following note.
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head
and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a
letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: "Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head,
you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald
head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small
parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir,
please find the enclosed bar of caramel. Melt the caramel and pour over your bald head, stick your wooden leg
up your ass and go as a toffee apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co."

*******************

Knock Knock !!

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor
would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was
listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"


*******************

Love Is !!

Two girls meet:
Me & my husband are no longer together...
Why?
Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks all day, has no job and always swears like a trooper?
No, of course I couldn't!
Well he couldn't either!

*******************

Happy Birthday To Me !!

Its my birthday today. My wife has said that she's going to make it my most special birthday ever ...
I wonder where she's going ?

*******************

Blow That For A Lark !!

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a
ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he
says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!" When they were
close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and
break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this. So they
each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The
ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces. The pair of whales
started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and
floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but
I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!" That's when the female stopped
swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the
seamen!"

*******************

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he leaves school.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.?

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q?: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the words "Child Support" mean anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in school.
 

*******************

You Got Mail !!

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the wicked behaviour going on.....
He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going...
Do you know what the e-mail said?



NO?
Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.

*******************

An Oldie !!

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."

*******************

Shocking !!

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

*******************

We Are Going To Need A Bigger Boat !!

A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

*******************

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.....

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

*******************

A Short Story !!

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

*******************

Open Wide !!

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
"I was looking for my father."

*******************

S.O.S !!

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

*******************

You Got Mail 2 !!

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

*******************

Dead End !!

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

*******************

Flying Blind !!

A blind man was travelling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"
The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"
The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"
The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"
"Because the shit is running down my back!"

*******************

Nag, Nag, Nag.....

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????

*******************

I Wonder ?

If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybird?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call moustaches "mouthbrows?"

 

If you know the answers to the above then.....YYURYYUBICURYY4ME

(Two Wise You Are, Too Wise You Be, I See You Are Too Wise For Me !! )
 

*******************

Mistaken Identity !!

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above
"You will live to be 100."
She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."
Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!
So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.
When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven.
She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognise you".

*******************

Born To Be Wild !!

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local biker's club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join the club
The biker asks "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool..
I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney.
At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool"
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz...?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times...."

*******************

Those Were The Days !!

People say that the kids of today are too easily influenced by television etc. and things were better when we were young but as a child I remember Tarzan strolling around practically naked, Cinderella arriving home after midnight, Pinocchio telling lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had many tattoos, and in later years, Pac-Man ran with digital music eating pills that enhanced his performance!!

*******************

Blondes Have More Fun !!

This guy was driving along in a car with a blonde.
He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the indicator was working.
She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

&

There were two blondes, and they had just came out from a store.
The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second.
When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

*******************

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 or best offer.

Reason for sale: No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

*******************

Bless You !!

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before," he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, yes "Pepper."

*******************

Four Play !!

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

*******************

Smart Ass Answers Top 5!!

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along a country road. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

Smart Ass Answer #1:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

*******************

Dig This !!

The little girl’s mother was entertaining her next door
neighbour when her little daughter walked in.
“Hello, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert?” she asked.
“No I’m not, why do you ask?” said the puzzled neighbour.
“Mum says if there’s any dirt about you’ll dig it up.”

*******************

Our Father ??

One evening father passed his daughter’s bedroom and heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped
to listen and heard her say, “God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.”
How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to know he’d been listening so he didn’t say anything to her. But
tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few months went by and one evening father heard his daughter
praying again. “God bless mummy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa. No, it couldn’t mean anything thought father apprehensively, but next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa had passed away in his sleep!
The household got back to normal and almost a year passed before father heard his daughter again.
“God bless mummy, bye bye daddy.” Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too frightened to sleep in case he didn’t wake up. The next morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing very little but worrying. When he got home that evening he collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, and told his wife all about the nightmare day that he’d had. She replied, “You’re not the only one to have had a bad day.
This morning when I opened the front door I found the milkman dead on the front doorstep.”

*******************

Small Talk !!

While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior
and Dopey stops to talk to her.
“Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but
replies, “Not very short, some around 5 foot.”
“Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 foot in height?” he persists.
“No, no, no one like that.”
As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such
an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him what was said, and he replies, “She said they don’t have any.”
On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and chanting: “Dopey’s f****d a penguin, Dopey’s f****d a
penguin.”

*******************

Not So Merry Men !!

Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood was lying in bed in his cottage, only a few days from death.
“Little John,” he croaked “give me my bow and arrow and open the window. I will fire the arrow and wherever it lands,
please bury me there.” And indeed, a few days later, Robin died and having promised to carry out his final wish, Little John and the rest of the Merry Men buried Robin on top of the wardrobe.

*******************

Which Wabbit ??

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there.?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers..." I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuck.."

*******************

Trunk Call !!

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

*******************

Flying Tonight !!

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the tarmac!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

*******************

And that's how the fight started . . .

My wife walked into the living room & asked me, "What's on the TV?"
I replied, "Dust".


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said , "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."



I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
 


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a set of scales.



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol station.

*******************

Land Ahoy !!

A Ryanair flight was coming in to land at London Luton airport, when the captain flicked on the tannoy system and says, "I would like to thank you all for choosing Ryanair for your flight and I hope our service has been to your satisfaction, and you had a great holiday, we will be landing shortly."
The captain puts down the tannoy but forgets to switch it off, when the co-pilot says, "what are you going to do after we've landed skipper? "
The captain replies, "I am going to have a good shit first, then I am going to take the new blonde air hostess back to my flat and shag her senseless."
The new blonde air hostess blushing bright red realising the tannoy has not been turned off dashes from the back of the plane towards the cockpit before anything else can be said, when half way down the gangway there's an old lady of 83 sitting there with her walking stick slightly sticking out in the gangway. The blonde air hostess trips over the walking stick and lands flat on her face, to which the old lady looks down at her and says," there's no rush dear, he's going to have a good shit first ."

*******************

Land Ahoy 2 !!

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

*******************

Pig Sick !!

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'

*******************

Cr-eat-or !!

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*****g batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

*******************

A To Z !!

Little Johnny was the most "potty-mouthed" kid in school, looking for every chance to offer a "new " word for the rest of the kids to take home. So naturally when the teacher started a new vocabulary exercise for the class it went like this:
"OK class" "I'll give you a letter and you give me a word that starts with that letter."
"Alright then, the first letter is A"
Little Johnny wanted to go first, but had finally gotten it into his head that the teacher wanted everyone to raise their to be called on before speaking, so he was in there with his hand flailing around in the air with the rest of the class.
The teacher looked around the room to pick one of the students and knew she had better not pick Johnny...after all she knew what word she would likely get and it would probably be dirty, so she called on little Mary who sat in front of Johnny.
"Mary" said the teacher. As Mary stood up little Johnny whispered to her "Say asshole, Mary, say asshole." Mary says "Apple" and the teacher says "Thank you, Mary".
"The next letter is B" Hands shoot up, teacher scans the class and picks little Billy, who sits on Johnny's left.
"Say Bastard, Bill, Say Bastard" Billy says "Baseball".
Then the letter is C, and little Amy, on Johnny's right.
"Say cock, Amy, say cock". On and on went the exercise and the teacher was running out of choices and would soon HAVE to pick little Johnny.
She had heard him whispering to the class with each letter "Dildo", "Erection", "F**k", "Gynaecology", and so on.
26 students, 26 letters, she had finally come to end and had to call on Johnny. "And the last letter is Z, and Johnny is the only student left who has not given an answer, so Johnny your letter is Z".
Johnny was befuddled. Z? What word started with Z in his lexicon of dirty words. Z? Johnny stood up and said "uh, Z-z-z-Zebra?"
"Very good" said the teacher feeling triumphant that she had gotten an answer that did not create a problem.
"Yeah", said Johnny " A big f*****g' Zebra with wide-ass black and white stripes!"

*******************

I Was Wondering......

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

*******************

English Or Double Dutch ??

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ...

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

*******************

My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favourite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

*******************

Wong Way !!

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...

Sum Ting Wong

*******************

Polished Off !!

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:


POLISH REMOVER

*******************

Short Change !!

I had a bunch of American dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank .
I chose the shortest queue ..just one guy in front of me.
He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange Yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the cashier, "Why IT change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?"
The cashier says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

*******************

Driving Them Mad !!

A nurse at the local asylum walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny , how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into LA and I need some rest.
'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davy sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davy what are you doing ??'
To which Davy replies, Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in LA.

*******************

How !!

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees...
Why do you ask Two Dogs Doing It?"

*******************

Not So Pretty Polly !! 

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?"

*******************

Not So Pretty Polly 2 !!

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot.
He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him.
After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment."
The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer.
About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door.
As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!

*******************

Notes from the Edge of Life


Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

*******************

Just Like Dad !! 

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you want to play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you bitch, and fix that kid some friggin ice cream."

*******************

Holy Water !!

A man is stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then he comes upon a Bishop baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the Bishop. The Bishop turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the Bishop grabs him and deeps him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The Bishop, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the Bishop is worried and so he deeps the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the Bishop pulls him up. The Bishop asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Bishop

'Are you sure this is where JESUS fell in?'

*******************

Hell Driver !! 

Junior had just received his brand new drivers licence.
To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.
Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

******************* 

Out For A Duck !!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

*******************

Sweet William !!

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little shit's name is Kevin."

*******************

Bloody Hell !!

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that big black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

*******************

Speed Test !!

4 men were sitting in a room together being interviewed for a new job. The interviewer told the men "I am going to ask you each one question".
Turning to the first man the interview asks "What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"
The first man thinks for a moment and replies "A thought, because before you even realize it that thought is in your mind"
"Good" replied the interview. He turns to the second man and says, "Ok same question. What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"
The second man thinks and says "A blink because one second your eyes opened then closed then open before you even realize it happened."
"Good". Turning to the third man, "Same question"
"Electricity", says the third man, "because where I live on a big farm we have a light wayyyyyyy out there on the barn. I flick a switch at the house and as soon as I switch it that light comes on."
"Ok", to the forth man, "Same question."
The fourth man thinks long and hard and finally says, "diarrhoea."
The interviewer looks oddly at him and asks "Diarrhoea?"
The man says "Yeah, diarrhoea is the fastest thing I know of."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well," the man replies, "last week I had diarrhoea, so I ran to the bathroom, and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants"

*******************

Say Ah !!

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.

The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand officer Butler testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

"Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

*******************

It Could Only Happen In Britain !!


True Reports from British life! BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)


HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home.....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

*******************

Stitched Up!!

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's
meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm
afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending
machine that should serve your purposes.

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted £10.00, and stuck his head
into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, £20.00.' "Why not?"
thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away
from Their Wives, £1.00.' The salesman looked both ways, put £1.00 in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the
machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out Fifteen seconds
later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member... which
now had a button sewed on the end.

*******************

One Way!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

*******************

Dough!!

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87
year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was
amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high and
you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady
asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

*******************

Bitter Pill!!

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the
man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water
until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg in this
for at least 30 minutes."

*******************

Bushtucker Trial!!

Sitting in a small restaurant, a client asked the proprietor for the menu. "We don't need a menu
here," said the proprietor, "We can serve anything you ask for."
"What, anything?" asked the client.
"Yes, anything at all." was the reply.
"In that case, I would like some camel's tail soup."
"Very well, sir, but it will take a little while, and you will have to wait a while for it."
"That's OK," said the client. He sat waiting for an hour or so, then a waiter brought a tureen of
fragrant soup. He ate the lot, and was thoroughly delighted.
He called for the proprietor. "I really enjoyed that," he said, "But surely it was not really camel's tail soup."
Rejoined the proprietor, "It certainly was. Tell you what, come with me."
The client was led to the back of the restaurant, where a Porsche was parked, and was motioned
into it. They drove about a hundred miles into the countryside, to an enormous farm. There the
client was amazed to see every possible kind of exotic plant, animal and bird.
The restaurant proprietor pointed to a compound in which there were two camels, of which one
had only a stump of a tail, bandaged, with a trace of blood.
"That's where your soup came from," he announced.
The client was absolutely flummoxed. "That is remarkable," he gasped, "but there must
sometimes be demands you can't satisfy."
"No," replied the proprietor, "we have never been caught out... Wait, no, we were once... when a
customer asked for crocodile balls on toast. .........We were clean out of bread."

*******************

Wedding Singer!!

The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married
-- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at
84, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a
smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker
when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher
when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with
such diverse careers.

"Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
four to go!"

*******************

This Parrot Is Dead!!

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I
hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

*******************

Holey S**t

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
"Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise
"Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those
should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait.
Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there's a
big boulder.
Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise.
The two drag the heavy boulder over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the
two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes a
farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was tethered to a boulder.

*******************

Little Ralphy!!

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

*******************

Little Ralphy 2!!

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful'
in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ralphy.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

*******************

Little Ralphy 3!!

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have
an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

*******************

Woof!!

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

*******************

Wake Up Call!!

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

*******************

Bugged!!

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' She pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

*******************

Fares Please!!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. 
The driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." 
The woman tells another passenger: "The driver just insulted me." 
The man says: "Go and tell him off - I'll hold your monkey for you." 

*******************

Bling Bling!!

“Mummy, mummy, I’ve discovered how babies are made. 
I saw daddy put his willy in your mouth last night.” 
“No, that’s not right,” replied mummy, “that’s how I get my 
expensive jewellery.”

*******************

Blankety Blank!!

A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." "One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.... As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge." "He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'.... Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

*******************

She Was So Blonde....

- At the bottom of an application where it says 'sign here' she wrote "Sagittarius".
- She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
- She tried to sort M&Ms alphabetically.
- She sold her car for petrol money.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "airport left" she turned around and went home.
- When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, She moved.
- She thought if she spoke her mind, She'd be speechless.
- She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evenings.

*******************

Camp Choice!!

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do what ever you want." So, here I am.

*******************

Oink, Oink!!

A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. 
Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: 
"FREEZE, MUTHAF***A!!" 
I guess there aren't many farms in Chicago.
*******************

Anagrams Galore!!

PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

*******************

True Glove!!

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note... Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones which are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday night. All My Love, P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

*******************

Whose Crabs??

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me
the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

*******************

Is There Anybody There??

Sex after death couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, "Marion ... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!" "Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .."

 *******************

Open Sesame!!

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy 

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

*******************

Broom Broom!!

Two Brooms Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself, this is going to hurt.........."WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!

*******************

What The Cluck!!

The credit crunch is really hitting companies hard, the latest casualty is a dating firm for chickens that has had to close down because they could not make hens meet!!

*******************

Bar Service!!

A young boy walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of beer and 20 fags.
“Now, now,” smiled the barmaid, wagging her finger. “Do you want to get me into trouble?”
He replied, “Not at the moment, I just want my beer and fags.”

*******************

Loose Screw!!

“Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?”
“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”
“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird next door.”

*******************

Woof Woof!!

Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when they passed two dogs humping. When the boy asked his
father what was happening he told him they were making a puppy. A few days later the little boy caught his mum and
dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they were doing, dad replied they were making a baby.
The little boy said, “Well, can you turn mummy over, I’d much rather have a puppy.”

*******************

Bowled Over!!

The wife’s mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out
how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the
waiting room, she spotted her son-in-law. Unbeknown to her,
he was listening to the cricket on his IPod.
“How’s it going?” she asked anxiously.
“Not bad,” he smiled, “they’ve got four out and there’s only
one to go.”
Aaah,” she screamed, and fainted.

*******************

MeOW!!

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His
mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture of a cat.
“That’s a pussy,” she said.
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.
Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her
son a picture of a dog.
But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and
asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine,
opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.
“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad
replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”

*******************

Doh!!

During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

*******************

Fire Drill!!

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the coffee machine the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

*******************

Doggy Do!!

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says." Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

*******************

I'll Have A P Please!!

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

*******************

Crash Test Dummy!!

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

*******************

I Don't!!

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

*******************

Nuts!!

Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What the f*** did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrels..."

*******************

Please Sir!!

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college... perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second-grade teacher."

*******************

Blow Me down!!

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:
Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I not come work.
The boss says:
You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Carlos calls:
Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a nice house.

*******************

A Little Mad!!

I rear-ended a car this morning.  So, there we were, alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?  Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!


He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'


So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

*******************

A Little Madder!!

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"

*******************

Flattered!!

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

*******************

Five Star!!

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a petrol station.....

*******************

It's Snow Joke!!

LAST Christmas, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up, I said "D'you get my drift?"

*******************

Woof!!

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

*******************

Woof Woof!!

TWO mates were having a beer and discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked one.
"Well, in a way: I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

*******************

Barred!!

A brain and a pair of jump leads walk into a bar. The jump leads take a seat and the brain gets the round in, but the bartender refuses to serve the brain.
"How come?" says the brain.
"Well," replies the bartender, "you're out of your head and your mate looks like he's gonna start something."

*******************

**** Hoff!!

DAVID Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".
The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."

*******************

******* Hell!!

A MAN checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: Oct 1, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS... It is damn hot down here !!

*******************

Jarred Up!!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'


The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'


The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

*******************

Spot The Winner!!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a bindi. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed.


When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a corner shop, a sub post office, a minicab company, or a restaurant.


If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephone enquiries from Barclays Bank customers.

*******************

Fly Guy!!

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a right bastard when you're drunk!"

*******************

Horse Play!!

A blonde buys and names two horses, but can never remember which is which.
A neighbour suggests that she cut off a bit of the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail.
Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, the blonde couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that...
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one!

*******************

Hey Bud!!

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar.
"What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said...
"That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
DOH!

*******************

A Leg Up!!

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to
heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

*******************

No Kidding!!

A white ecologist travels to Africa to begin his work with an African tribe.
One year later the tribe elder comes to him and says,
"My wife just had just a baby, and it's white.
You're the only white man within hundreds of miles of here.
EXPLAIN THIS or suffer a horrible death!"
The ecologist gulps and with some quick thinking says...
"Well, some things in nature just can't be explained.
Look at your herd of goats over there, for example.
All of them are white except for that one black goat.
This is probably like that!"
The Tribe elder nods and says, "OK, OK! - I'll keep quiet
about my white baby, if you keep quiet about the black goat!"

*******************

Class Act!!

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

*******************

Bar Fly!!

So this grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says...
"Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!".
The grasshopper says "No Way!?
You have a drink named Leonard?!".

*******************

Opening Time!!

It's 3 AM and the desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered
"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "For the final time, it opens at noon,
but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you!"
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

*******************

Bush Whacked!!

President Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling.
George positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again,
"Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again,
"HEY!... aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in a very irate voice - "YES, I AM!"
George asked him why he was so uppity & had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied - "Listen pal, and listen good..."
"The last time I spoke to a Bush, I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

*******************

Doh!!

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."

*******************

Tap, Tap, Tap!!

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR Stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

*******************

Giz A Job!!

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...
You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.  The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you f*!*!*g started it."

*******************

On A Roll!!

Fresh from a shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds!"
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years", her husband replies.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says. "Worked for your f*!*!*g arse didn't it?"

*******************

What A Croc!!

A filthy rich “City Footballer” decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours including “Big Mick”. He held the party around the pool in the grounds of his mansion.” Big Mick” was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the Footballer wives and girlfriends.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating alligator in my pool and I'll give a million pounds to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw “Big Mick” in the pool! “Big Mick” was fighting the alligator and kicking its ass!
“Big Mick” was jabbing the alligator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the alligator on the tail and flipping the alligator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both “Big Mick” and the alligator were screaming and raising hell. Finally “Big Mick” strangled the alligator and let it float to the top like a Fair Ground goldfish. “Big Mick” then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, “Big Mick”, I reckon I owe you a million pounds." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said “Big Mick”. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered “Big Mick”. The host said,” Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again “Big Mick” said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, “Big Mick”, then what do you want?" “Big Mick” said, "I want the name of the f*!*!*g bitch who pushed me in the pool.

*******************

Here Pussy, Pussy!!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal he asks?
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk.
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?

*******************

Ho Ho Ho!!

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"

*******************

Quickies For The Ladies!!

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear
pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways
and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . .. " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

*******************

Sick As A Pig!!

A teacher is sat teaching a class of 6 year olds. she's reading them the story of the three little pigs. when she comes to the part where the little pig asks the farmer for some straw.
"Please can I have some straw to build a house with" the pig said, then suddenly the teacher stops looks round the class and says: "So what do you think the farmer said children?"

All of a sudden little Tommy puts his hand in the air and says: "Bloody hell it's a talking pig."

*******************

Fore - Play!!

TWO women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like f****** hell."

*******************

Red Faced!!

THE Lone Ranger and Tonto went into a town and decide to have a drink as they a approach a bar they see a sign no Indians allowed in the bar.
Tonto says: "That's ok I think I'll jog around the saloon few times because I am trying to keep fit."
The Lone Ranger goes in and orders a drink he is sipping his drink when another cowboy comes in and says: "Excuse me mate have you left your injun running."

*******************

Double Vision!!

A VERY drunk man was sitting in a train compartment when a woman stepped in.
They sat silent for a while when the woman accusingly said: "You are drunk, you are very drunk".
"Yesshh, I am. And you are ugly, very ugly. But tomorrow I will
be sober".

*******************

Dead Happy!!

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynaecologist."

*******************

Doh!!

Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realise she could play it in the afternoon.

*******************

Namesake!!

A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

*******************

Wot's Up doc!!

AS my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day so we could travel together.
After my examination, the doctor said: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," I said. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining my wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time: "Do you know why?"
"Oh that old bastard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

*******************

Mama Mia!!

TWO old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said: "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said: "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said: "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said: "I want 5 loaves."
She said: "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get
to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
He replied: "Holy crap...! Everybody in the world knows about this
Italian bread thing but ME....?!"

*******************

Child Proof!!

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old man to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the sample bottle is empty.
"What's the problem?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left hand. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left hand. Then she tried with her mouth, first she tried it with her teeth in and then with her teeth out, and I'm sorry but we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."

*******************

Hopping Mad!!

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.
Then she followed the instructions to the letter:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.
She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.
The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.
It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

*******************

Three Blind (drunk) Mice!!

Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.
The Texas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the California mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The California mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Texas mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the New Jersey mouse. The New Jersey mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this BS". Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

*******************

Fairs, Fair..

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!

Very good, said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!

"Very Good," said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?

"Yes it's because your blonde!

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

*******************

Confessions Of...

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'" The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No f*!*!*g shit...what happened next?

*******************

Car Sick!!

The wife is not speaking to me at the moment just because I did not open the car door for her, it could not be helped I just panicked and swam for the surface!!

*******************

Hide And Seek!!

TWO women in heaven were discussing how they had died.

"I froze to death. It wasn't so bad, though. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

"I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was

cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

"So what happened?"

"I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement.

"Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over and died with a massive heart attack."

"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer; we'd f*!*!*g both still be alive."

*******************

Driving Me Crazy!!

A WIFE was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

"You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.

"Use the salt. Use The Salt! USE THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied: "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

*******************

Train Simple!!

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the f*!*!*g fat bitch in the kitchen."

*******************

You know you're living in 2004 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

*******************

What The Duck !!

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!". "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?". "At the circus", says the landlord. "The circus?", the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the landlord. "The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!", says the landlord. The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

*******************

Blooming Hell!!

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous.

*******************

Plane Simple!!

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

*******************

I Came I Saw!!

A Irishman walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Irishman is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Irishman says, "What's that noise?"

*******************

Flying Tonight!!

An oriental couple, who owned a Chinese restaurant, were fast asleep, when all of a sudden the wife sits bolt upright in bed and exclaims, "I want a  69, Right Now!!!"
Her husband wearily looks at her and queries, "Ahhh - why you want beef with fried rice this time a night???"

*******************

Double Deal!!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

*******************

Nice Nurse!!

 A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"? embarrassed, the young student replies "I don't know I'm only here to wash your hands and feet", he struggles again to ask "nurse are my testicles black?" finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says "there is
nothing wrong with them", finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "that was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?

*******************

Walkies!!

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

*******************

Bugged!!

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off! Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.
The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

*******************

F for ???

Little Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said "6'", replies Tony.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f*!*!*g difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

*******************

Gasp!!

TWO old ladies meet at the bingo and the first old dear asks, "Did you come on the bus love?"
The second old girl replies, "Yes, but I made it seem like an asthma attack."

*******************

Pulling The Wool...!!

A Leeds farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each of them twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls
listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

*******************

Pulling Power!!

A MAN walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says, "Take this pill".
The man asks, "What is it?" And doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

*******************

Gay Gordon!!

An obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself was serving a plane’s cabin. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one of the women hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
The flight attendant responded, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put up the tray, Bitch."

*******************

Loo...nies!!

Two women go out on a girls night out, walking home they are both dying for a piss so they jump over a wall into a cemetery to relieve themselves. 'Course, there's no toilet paper, so one wipes on her knickers and throws them away. The other one tears a ribbon from a bouquet and uses that.
Next day the two husbands are talking. The first says "I'm really worried about my wife, she came home with no knickers last night..
The other said "You're worried? Mine came home with a card stuck up her arse!" "It said `from all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you'.

*******************

Cuck 'Hic' coo

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

*******************

So Suite!!

Little Jimmy comes home pulling a cart with a sofa and easy chair on it, his father asks him where he came by them. Little Jimmy told him that he got them off a tramp in the park to which his father replied, " What have I told you about accepting suites off strangers"!!

*******************

Time Please!!

A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

*******************

Mixed Veg!!

A school teacher asks her class, "What vegetable makes your eyes water?"
Little Johnny replies, "A turnip miss."
"No Johnny," says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?"
"No miss," says Little Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"

*******************

Silly Moo!!

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease. The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?" The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

*******************

K999!!

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

*******************

Danger, Will Robinson!!

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrongggggg...."

*******************

Drug Bust!!

This girl walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?" She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman." The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman." So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

*******************

Seeing Double!!

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"
They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

*******************

Wot's This Ear!!

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back!"

*******************

SeeNine Dementia!!

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.
The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.
The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?"  "Friday," replies the second lady.
"Ummm humm...". Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, maam, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"
"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

 

*******************

Why did the chicken cross the road?:

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call
it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.
And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that
the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases
like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross
the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking
American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed,
I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.

GRANDPA
A: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an
inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What
do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to
cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads
throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto
the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken
crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens.
I have never known any chickens.

 

*******************

Crystal Clear!!

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.  In a dark and hazy
room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow.  Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.  She
took a few deep breaths to compose herself.  She simply had to know.  She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice,
and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
 

*******************

Dear Diary!!

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the
snow covering them.
Oct. 14 Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.
Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplough came by. We
had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!
Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplough did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shovelling. F*!*!*g snowplough.
Dec. 21 More of that f*!*!*g white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shovelling snow. I think the snowplough hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shovelling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!
Dec. 25 Merry F*!*!*g Christmas. More f*!*!*g snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplough, I swear I'll kill the b*****d. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f*!*!*g ice.
Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the f*!*!*g
snowplough goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again
tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??
Dec. 28 The f*!*!*g weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplough got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shovelling all that f*!*!*g white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his
f*!*!*g head.
Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a f*!*!*g deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those f*!*!*g beasts should all be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on
the roads??
May 10 Moved to Florida. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that f*!*!*g state of
Montana!!!!

*******************

Fright Flight!!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non -stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach piped up, "That's nothing... You should see the f*!*!*g back of mine!"

*******************

Kick-Back!!

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he
is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new
driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the his dad.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"

*******************

Office Berk!!

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

*******************

If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
 

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.


And finally.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

*******************

Street UnWise!!

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell
that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said... "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

*******************

And So This Is Xmas!!!!!

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
 
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all
the credit.
 

*******************

Nun Better!!

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in her Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. . "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" . When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. . The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. . "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. . The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" . Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

*******************

Dry Run!!

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"

*******************

Counting Sheep!!

There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair black.
So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and drove around just to show off her new look. She was
coming up to this intersection when she saw a shepherd by the road waiting to cross with his flock of lambs. The girl stopped
and waved him to pass.
While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd - "If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?"
He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed "487". The shepherd
said "WOW! That's right...well...take any sheep you like...a deal's a deal"
So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car, when the shepherd says "WAIT!
Now I have a deal for you.... if I guess the real colour of your hair can I have my dog back?"

*******************

Snow Joking!!

Paddy and his blonde wife live in Ireland. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through". Paddy's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow- plough can get through.". So, Paddy's wife goes out and moves her car.
The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park..." then the electricity goes out. Paddy's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do..."
Paddy says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

*******************


Rejected Greeting Card Messages!!

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
My tyre was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tyre... I noticed your cat.  Sorry!
I Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Someday I hope to get married. But not to you.
Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you .... it's almost like you're here.

*******************

In The Family Gay!!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Darn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

*******************

Call The Helpline...Calls Cost £50 a min!!

So you think you have problems with your computer? Check out the following true stories...

- Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press return key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "any" key is.

- AST technical support once had a caller complaining that "her mouse was so hard to control with the dust cover on". The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

- Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type his labels.

- An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Faxed copies of the floppies.

- A Dell customer called to say that he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send key.

- another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

- An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response: "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The foot pedal turned out to be the computer's mouse.

- Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked: "which power switch?"

*******************

Hick-Up

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the f**k did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"

*******************

Grin And Bear It!!

2 polar bears are walking around in the Artic. a father and son. The son looks up at the father and says, " Dad I got a question, are you sure I am 100% polar bear?".
The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son you are 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?"
The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polar bear are you sure there is no black bear or grizzly bear in me??"
"Yes son you are 100% polar bear, I am 100% polar bear and so is your mother. Why do you keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I don't know about you but I am f*!*!*g freezing"

*******************

Wishing & Hoping!!

A man walks into a bar with an Ostrich and a Cat and orders 3 beers, the barman says: "that'll be $6.00 please".
With that the cat yells out " IM NOT F*****G PAYING FOR THAT !!" so the man reaches into his pocket an slaps $6.00 onto the counter.
Next day they walk into the bar again, the man orders 3 beers and 3 hot dogs, the barman says ' that'll be $12.00 thanks'' the cat yells out " IM NOT F*****G PAYING FOR THAT !!". So the man reaches into his pocket and slaps $12.00 onto the counter.
Next day they walk in again and the barman says to the man , ' you've come in here a few times now and each time you've had the exact change !! how come?
The man replies,' Well I found this Genie and he granted me 3 wishes, I wished for a pocket with the right change for whatever I wanted, whether it be drink, food, houses, cars etc.
'Great' replied the barman .. what else did you wish for?
"Well'' said the man that's where I f****d up. I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!!

*******************

Bus-ting With Laughter!!

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

*******************

Friendly Folk!!

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the Landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he'll buy the 5th one for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ha, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All of this is on the house."
The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears that it's true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not meself personally, no." said the Irishman, "But it did happen to Bridget, my sister!"

*******************

Scot's Up!!

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!!."

*******************

Fffffffff....

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new
designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new
invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies
the inventor." "A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of
something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a
folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't
possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to
hate the name of my folding bucket."

*******************

Why In Movies, are.....

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which
have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it
will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing
accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a
bank security system or the communication system of an invading
alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them
than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit
a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by
single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time
while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all
the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are
not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your
best weapons.

*******************

The Brush Off!!

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private
and asks - "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis,
Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the
wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?" "To get back
to the front lines, Sir!" "Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five
minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your
ambition?" "To get back to the front lines, Sir!" "Good man!"
says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your
ambition?" "To get to the front of the line and get the wire
brush before the other two - Sir!"

*******************

Sucker....!!

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends
with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating
the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks
for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off 'em."

*******************

Whip Ahoy!!

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,
"It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he
thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he
thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing
a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says,
"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten
years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh
man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since
you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She
reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !" Then
she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front
of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been
since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got a set of
f*!*!*g golf clubs in there!"

*******************

Sweet Talk!!

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing Mom's & Dad's. They both decided it was time to get married. So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute. "Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."  "And how will you live?" "I get £5 a week allowance and Susie gets £5 a week allowance. That should be enough." Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?" "Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"

*******************

Safe Sex!!

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

*******************

Multilingual!!

At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying, "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba" The African surgeon is saying, "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm" They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. "Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb." After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says, "I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water!

*******************

Who, What Why!!

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!"
"Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"

*******************

So you are my daughter's new boyfriend......Well...

Rule One If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

*******************

PoooooF!!

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man, "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

*******************

Nuts!!

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
 

*******************

Fancy A Camel!!

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir.
"The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."

*******************

Take Your Pick!!

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said his sceptical friend.
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So, I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes would never fit you."

*******************

Sweet Talk II!!

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "'here a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?". The Jelly Baby says "No way mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me" and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, hitting him with little sugary chairs and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered jelly baby body over to the table and wipes up his jelly baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me".
"I was" says Smartie, "but those Lockets are f*****g menthol ....!!"

*******************

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall!!

*******************

Play Safe!!

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his pay-check. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..
"Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"

*******************

Playing For Time!!

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.  "Get creative Morris.  Break up the monotony". "Why don't you try role-playing, try 'playing doctor' for an hour?  That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"
 

*******************

Eye, Eye!!

A Japanese man went to the eye doctor. The optometrist said to
the man, "Sir, I believe you have a cataract." "Oh, no" replied
the Japanese man. "I dwive a Rincon Continentaw."

*******************

Double Death!!

Soon after Paddy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the
front office. When the Paddy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news.
"Sure was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.
"Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?"
"No," replied Paddy. "I'll finish the day out."
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when Paddy returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
"Jeez, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life," Moaned Paddy. "That was my brother, Shamus, and his mother died today too!"


*******************

A Head Start!!

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs -- without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it. Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. 'I know,' he said, 'how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.' The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, 'Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!'
'Noooooo!,' shrieked the head, 'Not another f*!*!*g hat!'

*******************

Baby Talk!!

Paddy and Mary were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!"

*******************

Time's Up!!

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? Days?....What?"

"Nine..." "Eight..." "Seven".."Six".........

*******************

Say Cheesey!!

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. While Mr. Smith could accept the fact that another man would make love to his wife to impregnate her, he didn't want to be around during 'the deed'.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to. . . . "
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a open-decked bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh . . . equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

*******************

Gone Fishing!!

Every Saturday morning he's going fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies.................
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

*******************

Doh!!

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door
of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its
starting to rain and the top is down!

*******************

A Dog's Life!!

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well,"
says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict
requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

*******************

Doh 2!!

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!".
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?".
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of Irishmen laying turf across the street."

*******************

Truck This!!

Two Irish truck drivers are barrelling along when they come up to an bridge. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'.

So Paddy looks at Mick and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"

*******************

Splashdown!!

Air-Lingus flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot, "Holy Shit! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?", "Well we better, were almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tyres smoking.

"SHIT! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!" "Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and F*****G WIDE too!"

*******************

A Letter To British Rail

Commuter....Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two
years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse
every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a
14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than
that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, A Commuter

British Rail....Dear Sir: We received your letter with
reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are
somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, British Rail

Commuter....Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I
think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you
will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will
find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is
something I have not been able to do on your trains in the last
two years.
Yours truly, A Commuter

*******************

Cock A Hoop!!

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster. The current rooster was still doing okay, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this". He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself". The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on" said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
The two roosters went to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gathered to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Sadly, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself........ "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

*******************

Road Charge!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M62 . Please be careful!"

"F*****g Hell," said George, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

*******************

Fancy A Quickie!!

How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap.

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face!

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 pints.

*******************

Noah's Ark...If it happened in 2003

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to
make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all
the evil people are destroyed.

But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of
living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an
Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the
specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with
fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd
better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long
time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to
fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard,
weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where
is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But
there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit
for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet
code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got
into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system."

"Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from
the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough
wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to
save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they
wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen
carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started
gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I
got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood."

"They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army
Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain.
So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over
how many Croations I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid
paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice
from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five
years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

*******************

Say Cheesy!!

Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - THE BOTH OF US?"
 

*******************

Draw!!

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will." said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

*******************

Honest, Officer!!

A Woman Gets Pulled Over by a Police Officer and....
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

*******************

It All Adds Up!!

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

*******************

Pig Sick!!

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She
charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty
and fined.
 
After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot
call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
 
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man
asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs.
Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
 
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said...
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"

*******************
 

Memory Loss!!

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to
fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his
doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he
went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had
a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he
said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss.
"But where were you yesterday?"

*******************

Wot!!

I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and
turned the volume all the way up....the mime next door went
nuts!

*******************

Memory Loss II!!

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering
things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is
wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends,
and neighbours about it. Some months later, a neighbour approaches
the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbours asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of
that memory course you liked so much?"

Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute...
What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so
nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbour says, "You mean a rose?"

Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey,
Rose, what was that memory course instructor's name?


*******************
 

Stop Me & Try One!!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!
 

*******************

Punch Drunk!!

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean
really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to
go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the
sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the
face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or
say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked
her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a
wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move
very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers
and said........
"Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!"
 

*******************

Love (the) Dress!!

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see
her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress, but you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress" she explained "it excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic
CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress" she whispered sensually.
"It needs ironing" he said "What's for dinner?"


*******************

Soap Opera

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Centre, a supervisor had placed a
sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it --
"THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the
sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser,
someone had carefully lettered another sign which read --
"THOAP!"
 

*******************

Soap Opera - PtII

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

*******************

Sign From Above!!

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Nigh! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts! "yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

*******************

Deer Me!!

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, won't eat it if they know what it is – so does not tell them
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"
"You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."
The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's asshole!"

*******************

Singing The Blues!!

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country
Songs...

1.   Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2.   Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3.   How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4.   I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5.   I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6.   I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7.   I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8.   I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9.   I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10.  I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11.  I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12.  I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13.  I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14.  I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15.  If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
16.  Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
17.  My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
18.  My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19.  Please Bypass this Heart
20.  She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21.  You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

*******************
 

Have Faith!!

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a
Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a
top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other
a large Star of David. After church, the  congregants file out,
each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the
cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the
hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while
the other beggar's hat remains empty. 

A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and
says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My
son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a
Christian neighbourhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a
church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any
money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David
around your neck?"

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his
neck turns to  the other beggar and says "Moshe, can you believe
this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!"
 

*******************

Crawler!!

There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over
your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my
wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they
asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like
a man."

 

*******************

Thought For Today!!

Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the Answer Machine get it.
 

*******************

Monkey Business!!

One day an out of work mime was visiting a Zoo and hoping to earn some money.
The zookeeper explained that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla
had died suddenly. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla
until they could get a new one. The mime accepted.
The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. It
was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people
and he drew bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. But, eventually the
crowds tired of him and began to pay more attention to the lion in the
cage next to his.
In an effort to recapture their attention, he climbed to the top of his
cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top of the lion's
cage. The lion was mad, but the crowd loved it so much that the zoo keeper
came and gave the mime a raise.
Each time the mime taunted the lion, he got bigger and bigger raises. But
one day he slipped and fell into the lion's cage.
The mime ran, but the lion finally caught up with the mime and had him
pinned to the ground. The mime was screaming and fighting for his life,
yelling "Someone help me, PLEASE, help me!!!!"
The lion leaned over and said, "Shut up you moron! Do you want to get us both
fired........

*******************

I'm Gonna Get That Wabbit!!

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on him.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on him.
 

*******************

Mind Games!!

Don't let your mind wander too far. 
It is too little to go out alone!

*******************

Crazy World!!

Actual Product Instructions:

ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details
inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions:  Use like regular soap.

FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

*******************

Chinese Puzzle!!

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked
Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese
Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went
into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No,
sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to
the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are
no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there
are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews,
but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

*******************

Splashing Down!!

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a
well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General
Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the
Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved
they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational
Director shouted:
"Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up.
"Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down.
"Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the
third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were
running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that
someone had called out: "Peanuts!"


*******************

Something's Fishy!!

Paddy & Mick are out fishing and are having great luck. They're catching fish so fast that they're forced to go back early. "This is so great," says Paddy. "We should mark the spot so we can come here again."
"You're right," says Mick, who then dives over the side and scrapes a big X on the bottom of the boat.
They head back to shore and just as they're about to dock, Paddy looks at Mick and says, "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"

*******************

Long Sighted!!

A Man visits his optician and says "Doctor, I'm having difficulty seeing distant objects".
The optician opens the curtains and points into the sky. "What's that"?
The man walks over, looks up and says "It's the Sun".
The optician says "Just how far do you want to f****** see"?

*******************

Metric Matters!!

If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:
* A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 454 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

*******************

Forget the meaning of life...I'm stuck on these questions!:

Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

And finally...If it is 'Rush Hour' how come everyone's moving slow!!

*******************

1st Born!!

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

*******************

Holy Father!!

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of Many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of Thousands," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

*******************

Soliciting!!

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

*******************

Boo!!

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers:
an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese.

He says to the Irishman, "you're in charge of Sweeping, I want
this whole area swept up before I get back".

He says to the Italian, "You're in charge of shovelling. I want
that pile shovelled into the truck so they can haul it away."

He says to the Chinaman, "You're in charge of supplies. No on second thoughts make
sure that all gets done before I get back."

Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The
Irishman says, "I couldn't find a broom. You left the Chinaman in
charge of supplies and he disappeared." The Italian says "And I
couldn't find a shovel".

So the foreman starts walking and looking for the china man. Just
then, the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams
"SUPPLIES!!"

*******************

My Son, It's You!!

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and
Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals
Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this
man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.

"Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.

"Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter".
Jesus is now getting quite excited.

In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?",
again the answer is "yes".

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus, "Yes" comes
the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear
in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER"?!

The old man looks puzzled and after a moment says....... "Pinocchio?"

*******************

Some Thoughts...

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, colour, religion or politics....

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

*******************

Doh!!

What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?

"Dam."

*******************

Cliff Hanger!!

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time,
which one gets to the ground first?

Answer: The brunette... the blonde has to stop and ask for
directions!

*******************

I Predict....

A very important event is going to happen on the 4th of May. I'm telling you
so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date
on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you
include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the
event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you
walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the
4th, B with U....
 

*******************

The Gospel According To....

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he
was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 

*******************

Something Fishy!!

There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says "Would you mind not doing that, it’s disgusting to watch".
He says "Listen love, its got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear whilst he is trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles. After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman "Could you stop that noise - can't you see I'm trying to sleep".
"It's got nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting and throws it out of the window. The woman gets up and pulls the communication cord.
The man says "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!"
The woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers!"

*******************

Prim & Proper

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ
of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six
times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that
is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of
this!" With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to
say to you.

"One, you have not studied your lesson.
"Two, you have a dirty mind.
"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."


*******************

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems
to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly
in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . ........... . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ..........$1.00

 

*******************

I Say I Say...

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that thing?"
 

*******************

Fairy Tales!!

Q....
OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the
Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit
the ground first?

A....
The brunette, because the other two don't exist!
 

*******************

Gates Of Hell!!

Bill Gates tragically died in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly
gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before . . .
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

"So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked.
St. Peter said, "I could let you visit both places briefly,
if it will help your decision."

"Fine! Where should I go first?"
"You decide."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect.
He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I'd REALLY like
to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds,
with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice,
but nothing like Hell. It didn't take long for Bill to reach his decision.

"I think I prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled
to a wall, screaming among hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and
tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill Gates. His voice filled with
anguish an disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is
nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening!
What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches,
the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that was a demo," replied St. Peter. . .
"This is the release version."

*******************

Just some real facts of life:

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be
peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is
hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
except a few micro-organisms, the micro-organisms living in the Middle
East will be bitter enemies.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

*******************

Plane Daft!!

Iraq's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater
Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in
central Iraq.

Iraqi search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


*******************

I Wish!!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across
an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of
these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach
the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!!
No, think of another wish."

The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish".
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.
My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside
and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment,
know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say
"nothing," know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

*******************

Under The Thumb!!
 

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his
thumb pressed into the meat.

"Are you crazy or just stupid" yelled the customer,
"sticking your thumb in my steak?!"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

*******************

Blondes Have More Fun!!

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though
she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse
unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail
grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against
the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground,
she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
 

-------------------------------


There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine
and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench
his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the
machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a
Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted
it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button
for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied
it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been
waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
 

-------------------------------

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race.
They were supposed to swim the English Channel.

A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish
line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They
waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked
her what had taken her so long.

The blonde was very upset as she screamed, "This was supposed to be a
breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!"


-------------------------------

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that
his neighbour, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned
to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the
mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it.
"Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"


*******************

Top 20 Engineers' Terminology's

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
- We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
- We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it
delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW
- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED
- Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT
- Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING
- Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE
- Impossible to fix if broken.

*******************

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
2. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq
portable and an acoustic coupler.
3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the
woods.
4. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
5. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in
the same sentence.
6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for
your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks
"Would you like fries with that?"
7. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
8. "Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas."
9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
10. They charge by the word.

*******************

Not So Safe Sex!!

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.
The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide.
"The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.
The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss, hiss is,
but what's that pop every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide.
"It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.
"Very true, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

*******************

May The Farce Be With You!!

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light sabre to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer coloured.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defence electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
 

*******************

It's A Fair Cop!!

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough
shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me
an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply...
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.

*******************

Oh My God!!

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks -
"Is God Michael Jackson?"

*******************

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Substance: Woman
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance
to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
-----------------------
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES:
-----------------------
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
-----------------------
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZARDS:
-----------------------
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal
 

*******************

Holy Smoke!!

Two cannibals meet one day...

The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary.
I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them,
I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The reply, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river.
They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald
on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, Ha!" the second cannibal replies, "No wonder--those are fryers!"

*******************

A Shot In The Dark!!

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
 

*******************

Monkey'ing Around!!

 As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house
and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home
he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped.
He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels,
pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck,
a Chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn
half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan:

- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;
- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;
- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained Chihuahua dog will attack its private parts;
- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect
itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;
- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, 'asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

"Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever, It's just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned.
In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat -

For Christ's Sake Shoot The Dog...
 

*******************

Mesmerized!!

It was opening night at the Grand Theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

*******************

It's Life Jim, But Not As We Know It!!

On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.”
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.”
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”
Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.”
Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

*******************

Fancy A Quickie??

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.   The ceremony was crap but the Reception was Brilliant.

*******

Man goes to the Doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it.

*******

Man..."Doc, I can't stop singing the green, green grass of home." Doc..."That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Man..."Is it common?" Doc..."It's not unusual."

*******

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

*******

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

*******

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.  Doc..."How's that?" Man..."Don't you start."

*******

What do you call a fish with no eyes?    A fsh.

*******

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, and the world's your oyster, so go for it."

*******

Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

*******

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"

*******

Police arrested two kids yesterday one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

*******


"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

*******************

Philosophy Of Life!!

If Guns Are Outlawed Only Outlaws Will Have Guns.
Pain Is Only Weakness Leaving Your Body.
Be An Adult And Not A Kid Before You Piss Lift The Lid.
Better To Be Pissed Off Than Pissed On.
If You Can’t Beat Them, Arrange To Have Them Beaten.
When You Choke A Smurf What Colour Does It Turn?
Never Underestimate Stupid People In Large Groups
A World Without String Is Chaos.
If You Stick Your Hand Out Of The Window To Far, It Will Go Home In Another Car.
It’s Better To Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy.
Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right, But Three Rights Make A Left.
KKK= Sheet for brains.
War Does Not Decide Who’s Right, But Who’s Left.
Always remember...you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Constipated people don’t give a shit.
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL FR SHT.
I need a new windscreen for my Skoda...sounds like a good trade?
If a man is standing in the middle of a forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don’t necessarily want to go but ought to.

*******************

Dirty Talk!!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spella "Mississippi".

*******************

Love Is!!

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone,
takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place -
you either married it or gave birth to it!

*******************

R.I.Pee!!

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought “I’m not getting rid of my panties...” so she used the ribbon of a flowered wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties....”
The other one responded: “You’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her arse that read, “We will never forget you.”

*******************

Bad Company!!

A car battery, a jumper cable and a bra walk into a pub. The bra asks the barman for 3 pints of beer.
The barman says “No way am I serving any alcohol to you three”.
“Why not?” asks the bra.
“Because you’re off your tits, and your friends look like they want to start something!”

*******************

Sex On The State!!

Two women were talking. “So, how’s your sex life?”
“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex,”
“Social Security sex?”
“Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!”

*******************

Dumb Struck!!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out and again went to the mail box, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL.""

*******************

Gone For Lunch!!

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a
heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Simple... I opened a can of peas instead!"

*******************

Hint, Hint!!

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff,
I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card,
a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

*******************

Rules Of Engagement!!

1. Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.
5. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
6. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
7. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
8. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.
9. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her. Father: That’s true everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
10. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
11. They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
12. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10 year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
13. Confucius says: man who sinks into a woman’s arm soon have arms in woman’s sink.
14. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
15. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
16. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
17. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the “Y” becomes silent.
19. “I married Miss right, I just didn’t know her first name was Always.”
20. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
22. A man was complaining to a friend: “I Had it all, Money, A Beautiful house, The love of a beautiful woman Then Pow! It was all gone.” “What Happened?” asked his friend. He says “My wife found out.”
23. Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.
24. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: “Are'nt You Wearing Your Ring On The Wrong Finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I Am. I Married The Wrong Man.”
25. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
26. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
29. They say women in the U.S. have a longer life expectancy than men...I think we just choose to die sooner!

*******************

Uplifting!!!

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head.
Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.
"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those are your boobs,
and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a f****** beard!"

*******************

Yo-Yo-Ho!!

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything
they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower,
a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up,
the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy
isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up -
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the f**k is a 'piñata'?"

*******************

Give Me The Lolly!!

A man pulled up alongside to a little girl walking home from school and said,
"If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."
The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lollypops!"
She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"

Finally, the girl turned and said -
"Look daddy, YOU bought the Skoda, YOU ride in it!!!"

*******************

In Need Of A Lift!!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything
like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the
moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father yells to his son, "Hurry boy - go get your mother!"

*******************

Food For Thought!!

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry,
you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.
"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of gonorrhoea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

*******************

Shop Till You Drop!!

An attractive young woman out grocery shopping wheels her cart up to the checkout line, only to realize that she’s forgotten one item—tampons. An attentive bagboy notices the woman’s bemused expression and asks if there’s a problem.
“Oh, I just forgot to get something important,” the woman replies. The bagboy, eager to assist a pretty customer, politely offers to go and get for her whatever item she’s forgotten. Quite embarrassed but in a hurry to leave, the young woman whispers to the bagboy, “I need a box of Tampax”. “No problem,” he says, “I’ll be right back!”. The young woman is relieved and appreciates the help, as she waits at the register with a line forming behind her.
Meanwhile, the bagboy has misunderstood the woman’s shyly whispered request, and is now searching for a “box of thumbtacks”. Eventually he finds the thumbtacks, but is confused by the different choices available.
Imagine the young woman’s reaction when the bagboy comes trotting back up to the register calling to her, “Miss, do you want the kind that you push in, or the kind that you hammer in?”

*******************

Little Johnnies!!!!

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school."
He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...

*******************

Gumped!!!

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.
1) What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2) How many seconds are there in a year?
3) What is God's first name?"
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? That one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ..... I'll give you credit for that answer.
"How about the second one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
"Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question."
"Can you tell me God's first name?"
"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."
St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: "Run, Forrest, run."

*******************

Double Trouble!!

A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades --
he had successfully cloned a human being.
He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult.
Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists,
held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.
When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium.
He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience.
But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where
he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.
This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush,
accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.
Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel,
where he hoped the clone's shouts would go unheard.
The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist's parentage, his sister, his mother...
Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer.
He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.
The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for (drum roll please) -
"making an obscene clone fall."

*******************

A for Anarchy!!

The first grade teacher was playing the alphabet game with her students. She would name a letter of the alphabet and the kids would raise their hand to say a word that began with that letter. She started with 'A'. Practically all the kids raised their hands, including little Johnny, who was waving frantically from the back row. The teacher, having experience with little Johnny, thought she had better not call on him because he might say "Arse" or something else inappropriate. So she called on Billy.
Billy said, "Apple."
Very good...now "B". Again little Johnny was waving frantically, but fearful of him saying "Bitch" or "Bastard", teacher called on Sally who said, "Ball"...again, very good.
This went on through each of the letters of the alphabet until they came to "R". All the kids sat quiet...no one raised their hand...not even little Johnny.
The teacher, thinking she finally had Johnny at a disadvantage, asked, "Johnny, is there something wrong? Don't you have a word that begins with the letter R"?
"Yes teacher, I have a word", little Johnny replied.
"Well...what is it"? asked the teacher.
Little Johnny stated simply, "A rat.........a big f*****g rat"!

*******************

Gift Of The Gab!!

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, “Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.

*******************

Mee..How!!

Little Johnny told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.
“Dead,” she was informed.
“How do you know?”, she asked.
“Because I pissed in his ear and he didn’t move,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, cried the teacher in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssssst’ in his ear and he didn’t move”

  *******************

Shocking!!

A guy's on the electric chair.
The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups.
The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"
The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) something to scare me?"

  *******************

Harmless!!

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.
A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.
"But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader.
The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!"
So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.
He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy,
it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.
He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.
"Who is that guy?" one person says.
"I don't know says another, but his face sure rings a bell..."

*******************

Legless!!

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,
with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,
the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink
and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right...
 right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head!"

*******************

Pssst!!

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what
it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said.
"I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little Johnny.
The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking.
She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

*******************

Flying Tonight!!

A man has an hour before his flight. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar.
He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky
glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink.
The man asks, "Nervous about flying?"
The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified.
I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die!"
"Is this your first time flying?"
"N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job."
"Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?"
"H-he would never l-let me do that"
"Why not?" asks the man.
The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the f****** p-pilot!"

*******************

Blind Drunk!!

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday,
so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend
partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted
by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting
his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him,
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be just fine with me!"
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye...

*******************

Own Goal!!

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Goal."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Goal...One All!!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Goooal, I'm 2-1 ahead!!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Goal, Two all!!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Goooal, I lead 3-2!!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman
so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable
he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
 The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

*******************

Who's The Daddy!!

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by
the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you
before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere
to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that
I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this
Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further
but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man
also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl,
who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and
the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"WHEW!" says the girl extremely relieved...
"I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

*******************

Guess What!!

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

*******************

Shell Shocked!!

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged,
and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar.
Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog.
I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room,
narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

 *******************

So Beautiful!!

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front
of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful".
Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said -
"Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said -
"Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."
Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said -
"Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just f*****g BEAUTIFUL!' "

 *******************

Who's Who??

Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were
Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was
sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was
Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized
that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done in the first place.

*******************

Ear, Ear!!

Little Johnny 's next door neighbours had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family
to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their
son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little
Johnny before going to the neighbours.

He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best
behaviour and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.

At the neighbours home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand
He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby".
The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.
Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?"

The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

*******************

If I Had A Hammer!!

A man is in court. The Judges says," on the 3rd August you are accused of
killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused
of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked
you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with
contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"

He replied "He is my next door neighbour".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The man replied "NO, your Honour, you don't understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

*******************

Bed-Ridden!!

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.
The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

Paddy says: 'I got ya both beat... I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!'
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

'No I'm serious...and he says...
The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!'

*******************

Ridin' Time!!

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since
he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.

His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said,
"This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".
The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.

A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.
"Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your scooter."

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.
Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation,
saw the farm rooster doing it's rooster duty with one of the hens.
He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen's back, mumbling to himself.

His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that?
He didn't do anything to deserve that."

The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!"

*******************

One In The Eye!!

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh
and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy
next to him has a black eye.

He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if ask how you got yours?

Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge,
huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,
I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.

First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too.
I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife:
"Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties."

But I accidentally said: "You ruined my life you piece of crap!"


*******************

Composed!!

A director is screen testing Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.

Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"

So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"

And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"

*******************

Cryin' Wolf!!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr.
Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This
time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have
Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and
runs away.
About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth
you have Mr. Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams..."Will you f**k off,
I'm trying to take a shit!"

*******************

You Silly Heifer!!

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine
Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen,
this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

  *******************

Silent Night

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay, I guess" he said. "But, they won't let me fart!"

*******************

I Talk To The Trees!!

President Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing
white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling.
George positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again,
"Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again,
"HEY!... aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in a very irate voice - "YES, I AM!"
George asked him why he was so uppity & had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied - "Listen pal, and listen good..."
"The last time I spoke to a Bush, I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

*******************

Bugged!!

So this grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says...
"Hey! You're a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!".
The grasshopper says "No Way!?
You have a drink named Leonard?!".

*******************

Sex Talk!!

A white ecologist travels to Africa to begin his work with an African tribe.
One year later the tribe elder comes to him and says,
"My wife just had just a baby, and it's white.
You're the only white man within hundreds of miles of here.
EXPLAIN THIS or suffer a horrible death!"
The ecologist gulps and with some quick thinking says...
"Well, some things in nature just can't be explained.
Look at your herd of goats over there, for example.
All of them are white except for that one black goat.
This is probably like that!"
The Tribe elder nods and says, "OK, OK! - I'll keep quiet
about my white baby, if you keep quiet about the black goat!"

*******************

Hard To Look!!

There was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like.
So one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched
as the strippers danced until they started taking off their clothing.
That's when he jumped from his hiding place, bolted out the door, and started
running down the street screaming and yelling where he runs and into a man.
The man asks the boy, "What's wrong you young man?
You look like you just saw a ghost!"
The little boy replies, GHOST... it's worse than that mister!"
"My mommy told me that if I ever watched a girl undress before I got married,
I'd would slowly turn to stone... and then all of a sudden...

*******************

Quick As A Flash!!

Little Johnny's sixth grade class had all been photographed and the
teacher was urging them to each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and remark -
'There's Jennifer... she's a lawyer' or 'There's Michael... he's a doctor.'"
Little Johnny, from the back of the room shouts out...
"And there's the teacher... she's dead!"

*******************

Off-Sprung!!

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife,
"Mother of Six", in spite of her objections.
One night they attended a party. When the man decided it was
time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife was ready to leave as well.
He shouted across the room at the top of his voice...
"Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion, finally shouts back:
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"


*******************

Hey Tony!!

Tony, the Italian milk man, had a door to door delivery service. A lady called down from her apartment block window, "Hey, Tony, I need two bottles of milk". "What apartment, lady?" Tony replied. She said, "4 Q." Tony said, "4 Q too, lady!"

*******************

Smart Chicks!!

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a poultry farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling "That's exactly what I did!"

*******************

Service With A Smile!!

This girl walks into a hardware store as she needs a new hinge for a door at home. As she takes it to the counter, the clerk asks, "Wanna screw for that hinge?"  to which she replies, "No, but I'll blow you for that toaster on the top shelf."

*******************

One Good Turn!!

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.  "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."  "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
 

*******************

Where Art Thou?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

 *******************

Grave Mistake!!

A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby
grave. The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"
The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."

 *******************

Weight A Minute!!

A guy was waiting in the down-town L. A. bus station for the bus to Pasadena. He spotted a machine with a sign that read: YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00 He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot. Out came a card that said: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds, and you are
waiting for the bus to Pasadena." The guy thought, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it." He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar, pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard. He
tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot. Out came a card that read: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, and while
you were screwing around down in the men's room, you missed the bus to Pasadena."
 

*******************

A Thought For Today!!

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...
Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...
But fart just one time...

 *******************

A Couple Of Blonde's..

A blonde is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time.
The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds, "Why, certainly!
The time is now four o'clock."
The blonde scratches her head and says, "You know, it's really weird.
I've been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer!"
 

*******************

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached
the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency
in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to
answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."
"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"
"Well, you might ask him...
"Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh -
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?"
"I must confess I don't know much about history."

*******************

Doing' Bird..

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings. When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says "What's the matter old man?
Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?" The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid. . . "

*******************

The Good Samaritan...

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door. "Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home." "That was nice of you," she says, looking around... "But where's his wheelchair?"

*******************

Monkey'ing Around!!

A couple decide to take a stroll through the local zoo. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. Now, tell HIM you have a f*****g headache."

*******************

Shaggin' Wagon!!

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's custom van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

*******************

Dear Son!!

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20
miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure it works so well though, last week I put a load in
and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week;
the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley
said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on,
so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it
is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in back.
They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but
the envelope was already sealed.

*******************

Show Me Yours!!

Little Johnny is at school, and at the end of the day the teacher
asks the students to bring one electrical appliance, for "Show & Tell"
the next day. So the next day every kid has something.

The teacher asks Wendy: "What did you bring?"
Wendy: "I brought a Walkman."
teacher: "And what is it for?"
Wendy: "You can listen to music with it!"
teacher: "That is nice Wendy, and what did you bring Kenny?"
Kenny: "I brought a electrical can opener, it opens cans, miss!"
teacher: "Well done, Kenny, but I see that Johnny didn't bring
anything!"

Johnny: "Yes, I did. It's in the hall."

The whole class looks out into the hall.
teacher: "WHAT IS THAT, JOHNNY?"
Johnny: "It is a heart/lung device, they use it in hospitals to keep
your heart going!"
teacher: "And what did your father say about bringing it to school?"
Johnny: "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

*******************

Blow This!!

An old lady, slightly mad, is wandering round the old folks home with her
zimmer-frame on wheels. Another loony suddenly stops her in the corridor and says,
"Show me your driving licence". The old woman fiddles about in her dressing gown pocket and
pulls out a sweet wrapper, he checks it and lets her go on her way. Further on another
man stops her and demands to see her tax disc,  she presents a coaster which
the lunatic checks before letting her pass on. She carries on and spots
another man standing with his penis hanging out. She quickly turns away and
says to herself, "Oh no, not that bloody breathalyser again!"

*******************

Punch Drunk!!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to
them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in
town!"  Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to
the end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the
same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really hot!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten
minutes later, the drunk  comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...." But the guy interrupts,
"Go home, Dad---you're drunk again!"

*******************

Man Wanted By FBI!!

Three men were at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry, I just cannot do it." he said.
The last man came into the office. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing instead!"

*******************

Little Tommy's Dead Frog!!

One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of
string along behind him (thud, thud, thud). He goes up to the woman at the front and says
"Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please."
"Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young for this yet."
Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a £50 note which he slaps on the desk and beams
brightly.
"Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the £50 vanishes.
Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (thud, thud, thud) when he runs back again.
"I forgot to mention, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries.
"No way kid, all our girls are clean!"
Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another £50 appears.
"Ahh...., last door on the left..." he is told.
Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud),
and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go
out, frog trailing behind when she calls him back.
"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"
"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there.
I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes.
Later on, my dad will take her home and have her in the back seat of the Mercedes, and he'll get the
herpes. Later on, he'll get back home and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too.
In the morning, daddy will  go to work, then the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and
he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE F****R  WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

*******************

With Rice??

A Chinese couple are lying in bed. The husband rolls over to his wife and whispers in her ear, "I want a 69"
His wife replies, "I am f*****g  NOT cooking at this time of night!"

*******************

Local Lingo!!

A missionary who had spent years in the jungle showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things gets word one day that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replies, "My bike."

*******************

Out Of The Mouth Of Babes!!

A teacher in the class says to the children if your skin could be made of anything what would it be?
Little Alice in the front puts her hand up and says, “Gold, miss.”
“Why gold?” the teacher asks.
“Well, when I rub my arm I will have a little pile of gold dust and I can buy a big car.”
“Very good,” the teacher replies.
Then little Billy puts his hand up and says, “Well, my skin would be made out of platinum, ‘cos it’s worth more than gold and if I rub my arm I will have a pile of platinum and I can buy two big cars.”
And then little Johnny puts his hand up and says, “Pubic hair, miss.”
The teacher asks, “Why pubic hair?”
“Well,” replies Johnny, “my sister has only a little patch and you want to see the cars outside our house!”

*******************

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks 'doing the business'.
Before his Dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Donkey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?". Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon Mummy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

*******************

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He is very curious about her bush. "What's that, Mummy?' Embarrassed, she tells him that is is her "special sponge". Johnny is satisfied with that and goes back to playing with his toys. The next day though, Johnny catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved for bikini season. "Mummy, where is your sponge?"
Again embarrassed, she tells him that she lost it, but will probably find it soon. Johnny is a little worried and promises his mummy that he will help her find it. His mother goes back to showering, but then Johnny comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.
"What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"
"The lady next door has it! And she's washing Daddy's face!"

 *******************

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."  "I don't f%*&#ing want one," declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little
Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie." "I don't f%*&#ing want one," stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"  "So?" said his mother, "Don't f%*&#ing give him one!"

*******************

Little Tommy is back at school after having the previous day off, the teacher says, "It is good to see you back at school Tommy, have you been ill?", "No miss", replies Tommy, "I was absent because my grandpa got burned yesterday". "Oh dear, I hope he was not burnt too badly" replies the teacher, to which Tommy replies, " Well miss, they don't mess about at these crematoriums".

*******************

This little kid walks in on his parents having sex and says, "What are you doing?" His mom says, "Your dad is too fat, I'm letting the air out of him." "Why," said the little kid," the lady next door is just going to blow him up again."

*******************

Taxi!!

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alleyway halfway down the street. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"The railway station, please", answered the woman.
"You got it", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. After a while, the woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay the cab fare".
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat,
smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
 

*******************

Extra's!!

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Southampton to Glasgow. After almost an entire day on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, they plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for £350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth £350. When the clerk tells him £350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the couple to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from around the country perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have, " the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.
"But sir," he says, "this cheque is only made out for £50".
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you £300 for sleeping with my wife".
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have".

*******************

Pretty Polly!!

A burglar breaks into a house and is creeping around when he hears this voice say, "Only Herbert and Jesus can see you". He stops suddenly and shines his torch towards where the voice came from and he hears once again, "Only Herbert and Jesus can see you". His torch shines on a birdcage with a parrot in it, the parrot once again repeats, "Only Herbert and Jesus can see you". The burglar asks, "now then Polly which soft sod named you Herbert?". To which the parrot replies, "The same soft sod who named the Rotweiller, Jesus!!".

 *******************

Turn about ... 

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs, cackle, and tell me, "You're next." ... They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 *******************

Blow This!!

Two sperms swimming along... one turns to the other and asks, "How long 'til we get to these eggs then, mate?"... the other turns back to him and says "I dunno mate... but we just passed the tonsils!"

 *******************

Talking Rubbish!!

Two empty juice cartons were hanging around a sewer when carton one sees two tampons floating by. Carton one says "Hey you two.... how are you doing ??", the tampons totally ignore the carton and float by. Carton one looks a bit depressed, and says "why are they like this???" At that carton two says "Don't worry about it .. they are stuck up c***s"

*******************

Cookies!!

 An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "F**k Off," she said, "they're for the funeral."

*******************

Fore..Play!!

 A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.  "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."  "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.  "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."  "Is that when you swore?"  "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."  "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.  "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle  came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"  "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.  "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."  "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.  "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about only six inches from the hole."  The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?"

*******************

Wages Of Sin!!

A priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi meet on a plane. To pass time they discuss their pay. The Priest says, "Well, after Mass, I draw a line on my floor and throw the money from the collection plate in the air. What lands on one side is for God, and what lands on the other is mine." The minister says "I do almost the same thing, except that I draw a circle on the floor. What falls inside the circle is for God, and what falls outside the circle is mine." The Rabbi smiles, "I too do nearly the same. I too throw the money in the air. What God wants, He keeps. The rest is mine."

   *******************

Spooky!!

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.  He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!

 *******************

Service With A Smile!!

A man walks up to a checkout in a supermarket and places the contents of his trolley on the desk :-

 1 bar of soap,

1 small tube of toothpaste,

1 Pint of milk

1 microwave meal for one

1 bar of chocolate and

1 'Find a Date' magazine. 

The young girl behind the till asks "single?" The man looks down and says sarcastically "How did you guess?" She looks back up at   him and says "Cos you're f*****g ugly!"

 *******************

Air Male!!

Whilst on an airplane I got talking to a stewardess - she was wearing a badge - it had the initials SM. I enquired whether it was her name ? She replied no my name is Sandy and the initials stand for Sex Maniac. I had always wanted to know which males were the best endowed so I asked her which nationalities had the largest manhood's.  She replied that Italians had the biggest girth and the red Indians had the longest. Happy in my knowledge I thanked her - by the way she said you know my name - what's yours?  "TONTO GABIADINI" I replied !!

*******************

Hide And Seek!!

A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"


*******************

Fore!!

Tiger Woods drives his huge Volvo into a garage in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Cork manner, unawares as to who the golf pro is...."Top of the morning to you sir etc., etc."  Noticing his shoelace is undone Tiger Woods bends down to tie up the shoelace, but two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey Son?", says the attendant. "They're called tees",  replies Tiger Woods. "What're they for?" enquires the Cork man "They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving", says Tiger Woods. "Jaysus", says the Cork man, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of f*****g' everyting!!!"

*******************

Life Sentence!!

One night a wife woke up to notice that her husband was missing. Then she heard someone sobbing downstairs in the kitchen. It turned out to be her husband. She asked him why he was crying, and he said, "Remember that one night when your dad caught us . . . you know." "Yes I remember," she answered. "Remember he said I either had to marry you or go to jail." "Yes," the wife said. "Well, I would have got out today."

*******************

Phone A Friend!!

Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are confronted by Saint Peter who says: "Well girls before you can get into heaven you must answer a question." Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"  She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam." Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?"  She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens - birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven. So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one."  Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into heaven.

*******************

Dirty Habit!!

Once upon a time there was a monk who had spent most of adult life in a monastery. He got his first chance to go to town and he took it. He met many women who were somewhat scantily clad and said, "Five dollars for a quickie."  The monk, not knowing what to do, blessed them and continued on his way.  The next day he went over to the convent and met with Mother Superior. He asked her, "What exactly is a quickie?" and she answered, "Five dollars, same as in town."

*******************

Knock, Knock!!

This man answers a knock at his door, when he opens the door this six-foot beetle is standing there. The beetle says to the man "You bastard" and punches him on the nose then walks away. The man goes back into the house holding his bloodied nose, his wife asks him what on earth happened to which the man replies "you'll never believe what just happened, I answered the door and this six-foot beetle that was standing there punched me on the nose and called me a bastard!!". His wife replied, "yes I'd heard that there was a nasty bug going around!!".

*******************

Birds And Bees!!

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?  That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"


*******************

Don't Push Me!!

This bloke's in bed with his missus when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. 
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that" says his wife, so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "Eh mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push" "No, piss off, it's half three. I was in bed" says the man and slams the door in the stranger's face. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
"Dave, you are a bastard. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to piss off" So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: 
"Eh mate, do you still want a push", and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate." 
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" and the stranger replies: "I'm over here on the kid's swings." 

*******************

Hat's Off For....

Roger and Jack were on the 14th hole, ready to tee off when a funeral procession drove down the adjoining road. Seeing the hearse, Roger stopped, took off his hat, and placed his hand over his heart. "Wow!" said Jack, "I never knew you had so much respect for the dead." "I ought to," said Roger, "I was married to her for forty years!"

*******************

Stuck Up a Tree

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

*******************

Gone Fishing

An Eskimo decides to do some fishing, he goes across the ice and starts to cut a hole in the ice to get at the fish. "There are no fish there" he hears this voice bellow, he moves further on and starts on another hole, "There are no fish there" the voice repeats, he moves further on and once again starts to dig his hole. "I said there are no fish there". The eskimo looks skywards and asks, "Is that God trying to guide me to where the fish are?" to which the voice replies, "No I'm the manager of this ice-rink, now  %*!#  off".

*******************

Apologies To Mary Poppins -

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sometimes suffered from bad breath. This made him a 'super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis'.

*******************

Nun The Wiser

A young nun enters a convent, where she is can only utter two words every ten years. After the first decade, she visits Mother Superior and says, "bed hard." Ten years later, she says, "food bad." After 30 years, she goes to the Mother Superior and says, "I quit." "I'm not surprised," says Mother Superior. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."

*******************

Pierre the French Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: 'Pierre, kiss me!' Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre?', says the startled Marie. 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!'
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me lower!' Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? 'Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!'

*******************

Biker Mamma

An old woman goes into a biker's bar. She demands to talk to the leader. A tough looking bearded biker stands up. "I wanna join your gang!", she says. The biker thinks for a second. "Do you have any tattoos?" he asks. "Sure'' as she bares her arm. "Hmmm, do you have a leather jacket?" "Out on my hog." she says. "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No, but I've been swung around the room by my tits!"

*******************

Classified Info!!

Joe's wife dies and he has to put an obituary in the local newspaper, he asks the young girl at the newspaper's office how much it will cost. She tells him that it is £5 a word, Joe only has £10 to spend so he tells her to put 'Margaret's Dead'. The young girl feels sorry for Joe and has a word with her boss, she comes back and tells Joe that the editor says he can have 5 words for his £10. Joe is grateful and tells the girl to put, 'Margaret's Dead, Ford For Sale'!!

*******************

Mis-Steak!!

A little boy goes running to his father. Dad, dad he yells, I've just seen this film where a vampire was killed with a steak.
His father says, that's nothing son, your mother can do that with egg and chips

*******************

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. 'I'm lost,' said the man. 'Can you put me up for the night?' 'Certainly,' the Chinese man said, 'but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'. 'OK,' said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, 'Chinese Torture 1:Large rock on chest. "Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about. 'He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: 'Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle. 'In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, 'Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.'

*******************

Hit-Man!!

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an infamous underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. 

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed. 

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeways store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. 

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: 

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAFEWAYS." 

*******************

Eletentry My Dear Watson!!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant,. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent."

*******************

Eye, Eye!!

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry," the woman says, as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! 

"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" 

"No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye." 

*******************

Take-Away!!

Two cannibals, a father & son are walking through the jungle when they come across a beautiful young girl lying asleep on the ground, "let's take her home and eat her" the son says to his father, "I've a better idea" the father replies, "let's take her home and eat your mother!!".

****************

Is It A Bird?

Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in Metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers. Superman yells down, "Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?" Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything under control." Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, "Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!" Aquaman looks up and yells back, "sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here."
Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. "Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught. Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, "what was that all about?". Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't know, but my arse is killing me."

****************

The Office Manager
An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

****************

Doctor, Doctor!!

A married couple had a very bad argument one day, it ended up with the husband going to hospital with the Vacuum Cleaner pipe shoved up his bum.
A couple of days later, his wife telephoned the hospital to find out how he was.
The doctor said he's picking up. 

****************

Digital Doc

One day, Todd complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't bother. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do
about it and it only costs £10.00."
Todd figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

****************

Poetry In Motion!!

The sky was dark, The moon was high, All alone just she and I,

Her hair was soft, Her eyes were blue, I knew just what, She wanted to do

Her skin so soft, Her legs so fine, I ran my fingers, Down her spine

I didn't know how, But I tried my best, I started by placing, My hands on her breast

I remember my fear, My fast beating heart, But slowly she spread, Her legs apart

And when I did it, I felt no shame, All at once, The white stuff came,

At last it's finished, It's all over now, My first time ever

At milking a cow...

****************

Time For A Coffee??..
 

You know you've been drinking too much coffee when...

* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You're so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
* Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You're up to four heart attacks a day.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
* You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!

****************

Memo From The Management

To assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. LIST, as our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

****************

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive or compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. 

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. 

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.' 

****************

Adventures In Cyber-sex

As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cybersex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the Internet. Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy. This is not the case with the following transcript of an actual online cybersex session between a experienced lady cybersexer and a newbie male.....

Wellhung :  Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart :  I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high-heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung :  I'm 6'3" and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at C&A. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart :  I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung :  OK

Sweetheart :  We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung :  I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart :  I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung :  Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart :  I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung :  I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off.

Sweetheart :  I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung :  My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart :  That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung :  I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart :  Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra; my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung :  I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra; I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart :  I take your hand and kiss it softly; I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts; my nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung :  How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart :  I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung :  I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart :  I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung :  I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart :  WHAT?

Wellhung :  I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart :  I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung :  I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart :  OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung :  I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart :  I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung :  I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. Ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart :  What's the matter?

Wellhung :  I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart :  Are you OK?

Wellhung :  I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart :  Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung :  I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart :  In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung :  I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.

Sweetheart :  Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung :  I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart :  I'm aching for you, lover.

Wellhung :  Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark. I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart :  Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung :  I found it.

Sweetheart :  I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung :  Me too.

Sweetheart :  I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung :  Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart :  Why don't you take your glasses off?

Wellhung :  OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart :  I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung :  I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom

Sweetheart :  Hurry back lover.

Wellhung :  I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling round for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart :  I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung :  I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart :  What's the matter now?

Wellhung :  I just realised I peed in your hamper. Sorry gain. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart :  Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung :  Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your mm, woman's thing.

Sweetheart :  Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung :  I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.

Sweetheart :  I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung :  I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart :  WHAT?

Wellhung :  I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart :  I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung :  I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weener all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart :  NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung :  No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart :  I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung :  Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart :  Go to f*****g hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung :  Now the carpet is on fire! Oh Nooooooo!

 

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Dennis THE Menace

Dennis Wheatley  1st, April 2016